Can I just keep you right here? Can I freeze the moment and only I get to move? Sometimes I miss the past so much. I miss how life used to be at certain moments. Moments you know you'll never ever ever have again. I'll never be able to go home again. I wish I could. I wish I could walk into my moms kitchen and talk to her there I wish I could go out to my dad's shop and talk to him. Just be there and feel that comfort. You know when my mom first left and I did the bills for my dad, I missed her so much. I was angry but really I just missed her so much. When no one was in the house I used to say "mom" just to have that comforting millisecond of what it felt like when she would answer back. Crazy huh? but the hurt you feel afterward that it's never ever going to be the same again is unexplainable. Even if she and I stood in that same kitchen, It'll never be the same again. I'm so glad to have my mom back in my life now. She means so much to me and gives me so much. I look back on that time now that I had with my dad Mark. A man that loved me since I was one but I now am told that I annoyed him my whole life. That hurts. I look back and think about the last time I was really with my dad and it was on the way to my best friend Sara's wedding. He dropped me off at her house on his way to a blind date that changed life...again. I can't remember exactly what we said except that he gave me a hug and I said thanks for the ride dad. I love you have fun. But I do remember the peaceful safe feeling of being with him. I get that life changes. Always does. It just makes me wish I could rewind once in a while and since I know that can't happen I pray I slow down enough to at least soak up the great moments before they change again. It still will hurt I still will miss them but at least I'll feel like I tried. I tried to enjoy. I think about all the time I took for granted with my brothers. All the laughs we shared as kids and adventures we went on with out a care in the world. Life was simple and we had no idea what laid ahead. I wish I would've enjoyed them a little bit more Hugged them and said thank you for being my brother. I have my dad Dean. I'm just chipping the surface of how much that man loves me. It's the biggest love I've ever known and I didn't really recognize the rock he is to me. He is one person that I know without a shadow of a doubt will always be there. Always. I need to work on soaking that up. That word recognize was interesting to me. Because it's the same word I would use when describing my relationship with God. I had to recognize it to finally start on it. And am I ever glad that it is there. He is unchangeable. He must of known that as humans we would need that for when everything else starts to spin or crumble. At least I always have God to lean on and share life with. So here I am 27 my three kids my husband. I look over at my little boy Wesstin in the kitchen with his two different shoes on, both on the wrong feet, an inside out and backwards shirt and it hits me again. Life is changing... and you get that overwhelming feeling of Can I just keep you right here for a minute....just press pause and let's soak up the peace and freedom and love we have right now. The simplicity and beauty of this moment in life. And it's all the boys.....I know they have to grow and I'm really becoming okay with it. Just enjoying the flow and accepting this next stage of no babies. And just knowing it's okay...it's really okay. I just hope I soak it all up enough. Hope I did enough. Really ask myself am I truly enjoying this precious gift of life...and to answer honestly no I'm not. I think I fall miserably short everyday. But at least I'm aware. I'm thankful for that fact. At least I'm aware. I think back about spots in life I miss and I know I'll be okay. I'm thankful for all the good times because I have had one heck of a good life so far. I got to be raised be awesome people. I have really great parents. I'm glad I have the memory and the ability to go back in my own mind to all those happy days. I have my mom sitting in the sun under our tree, or out in the pasture with her animals, my mom folding laundry or walking from the shop to the house, my mom and dad laughing. Mark and my mom gave me such a deep respect and belief in love. They gave us such a happy home. I have my dad Mark's smiling face and his love of history, country, freedom and life. The smell of shops bring him so close in my mind again. I have his voice and laugh and smile and all of the great life lessons like work ethic and how to build a strong family and a deep sense of right and wrong and always, no matter what do a good job. I have all the memories of his stories and getting to actually have been part of his life for 24 years. He helped make me who I am today. No one can take that from me. Not anyone. That's freedom in and of itself. My dad Dean, Oh how I love that man. I have his laugh, fishing trips, his stories and voice and just animated love for life. He's taught me forgiveness in the most genuine sense and how important family is. I'm so thankful beyond words to all of them and I'm so thankful to still have my mom and dad here for me to this day. I have a great life. Though there has been sad moments hurts and situations I wish were different it's okay that there not. They've made me strong and to have a real respect and love for all the good. There's been way more happy times than sad. I hope I give my kids a fraction of all of this but for now I'm going to go dance with my boy and laugh and just be....right here....in this moment. I have a great life. Soak it up you never when it'll change you just know that it will.